Raised on Romance

There's No Place Like Home, 2007

Dear Lori,

Thanks for caring and asking me to create a new post. I've been away, getting away. I wanted a change of landscape. I was hoping to miss Philadelphia. I originally was going to go home to Atlanta, but that wasn't far enough. I wanted to feel transplanted, estranged. I wanted my problems to seem small and lame when I remembered how there was so much more going on in the rest of the world (or even just in the rest of this country). No, Atlanta could never do that for me. Atlanta just reminds me of who I am, all the times I've been foolish, stupid, lazy, rejected and god, so hurt. I hate to say it, but Georgia is still a sea of heartbreaks.

Well that's how (I thought) I was feeling about Atlanta the last couple of months, BUT...while I was waiting in the Philadelphia airport to board my plane to Reno, an announcement came over the intercom for a boarding flight to Atlanta. My body actually twitched. It felt like something was pulling my heart straight out of my chest. I wanted to go. I realized then just how much I missed Atlanta and all those who I care about that reside there. I had no idea how home sick I was/am. I made a mental list of some of the things I missed:

Of course, my family...massages with my mom, Marilyn's birds' eggs in the nest, Alex and I making fun of everything. I miss watching T.V. series on DVD with Betsy while eating cookie dough; I eat the chips, she eats the dough. I miss making yummy, healthy food with Jill and our looooooonnnnnngggg conversations, so long that when one of us gets in the shower, the other sits on the toilet so we can continue talking. I miss talking about art with Sharon. I miss talking about music and politics with Jes and both of us getting all worked up about something and really believing we're gonna change the world. I miss being completely silly with Angela. I miss Tim and I driving around singing old punk songs, fists clenched, air guitar & drums, and screaming at the top of our lungs. Adam's porch parties. All the cookouts, potlucks, clothing exchanges, & impromptu dance parties. Laying on a lawn chair at the drive in. God, I want to give you all so many hugs. And Lori, I miss our walks, gossiping, and meeting up at the Earl for me to eat a black bean burger. A fucking Earl black bean burger!

I want to go on a walk in that park on the Emory campus. I forgot the name. That's what makes me so sad. Its fading Lori. Someone named an intersection in Atlanta a few weeks ago and I couldn't picture it. I know I'm being really dramatic right now but I really hate this feeling. When I was interviewing my family about Cuba, my uncle, Felix, was so poetic, I loved the things he said. He touched on this exact feeling. Here is a portion of the interview translated by my cousin, transcribed by moi:

I remember when I first came to the U.S. I was working as a butcher and because my job was a very routine type of job, everyday I would start walking the streets of Habana in my mind. Everyday, street for street, house for house. I would walk these streets everyday while I was at work. I would visit my friends, their houses, my family, every single day. As the years passed, it just started to dim away. Today its very difficult for me to recall where I was born, the streets that I walked as an adult, my friends. Cuba is just a very distant memory. One that really no longer moves me.

Of course, my situation can't even compare. But I feel sad for what has faded and I feel even sadder for my uncle. Sad for everyone who has felt like a stranger for years, who has spent more time missing something than enjoying what's there.

While on my trip, I went to visit a school in Sacramento where I'm applying for a job that starts next Fall. I'm applying to many jobs all over the country. I may move again! Then I'll miss Philly and Atlanta. Oh the torture! Just kidding. Although I go on and on about how I miss Atlanta, I'm still not ready to go back. I'm terrified of feeling alone there again. I'm ashamed to say that I feel like I'll only go back if I have someone with me or someone waiting for me there. Plus, while out west, when I began to fantasize about starting over again somewhere else I felt alive, I felt so excited. I felt like myself again, fun and dreamy and positive about the future. I felt like I could fall in love again, I felt boundless, my absolute favorite feeling of all time.

On the way back to Philly from Reno, the plane stopped in Atlanta. I could see the skyline and it was killing me to be trapped in the airport, not seeing all of your beautiful, Southern faces. A couple of tears actually rolled down as I stared out the window of the plane during takeoff. I was trying to make myself believe that I was flying over my friends' and family's homes. Wishing that you all marked your rooftops with some symbol or a "hey evie!" to let me know it was indeed your home. Some way to feel close to all of you again.

Ahhh...but Christmas will be here before we know it and you and I will eat cookies. Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!!! Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar!!!

Love and miss you,
E.